Poetry by Ma Lan: Imitation Woman 模仿女人

Imitation Woman

I.
I read a few pages of landscape poetry
Put on my lipstick, fashionable from now on
Like flowers and jade, I'm burning with impatience
Cleaving to my gender
But the door's gesture is drooping and bleak
I looked for you, last night
For your disappearance I endure
Full of vitality
If I am to continue having this dream
Whatever man comes I'll open the door
I don't like sloppiness
Time already wheezes tenderly on the wall
Really, many buildings and hunters
Wanting now to give up on myself is my best way to show gratitude

II.
A brown river flows outward from within my body
Regardless of whether dreams have a background
The expression of the night sky is quite candid
My pain has no misgivings about your pain
As if you fly in with the wind every May
Unable to suppress your laughter with a fatalist bird
I quietly await
That impulsive wind on the mountain peak to blow down my monstrous vision
To emerge and perish of itself
Do you crave the aftermath of growth?

III.
I keep making mistakes because of a verb and an adverb
Before me where it has been painted over by your tools
Perhaps mutual regrets abound
But my pillows and furniture are all living normally
They have no gender
All of a sudden it is as though I am detached from the world, am I a woman?
In the dance hall, some women discuss other women
All I had was the desire to be a woman, I began to imitate
First I got a manicure, fluttered my eyelashes
I say you are a man or not a man
Where did I put on a disguise,
Including walking toward childbirth, splitting forth another likeness
This is my own matter

IV.
I am flesh, mortal offspring, I'll just act like the others
I hurry, decorating the holiday love language
Men come and go, climb up and climb down
Why do I rise and fall with the tides
The black night seeps into my chest drop by drop
My body lightly floats like a landslide
I should learn to evade the pursuit of my shadow
I know the wall covered with hanging clothes is gazing at me
The good-natured sunlight smiles angelically
Those roads and arts are round
And all boils down to habit
Let me go to a breezeless grove
They all say that loneliness is the art of the lonely
All in all you can never say I have no father

March 1988 Meishan
Revised February 1992 in New York


模仿女人

　　　　　一

　读了几页风景诗
　　抹一把口红，从此成为时装
　　我如花似玉，心急火燎
　　向性别靠拢
　　可人的手势低垂、苍凉
　　我找你
　　为了你的失踪我将生存得
　　野气勃勃

　　如果让我继续做这个梦
　　任何男人来了我都开门
　　我不喜欢拖泥带水
　　时间已经在墙上温柔地哮喘
　　我想自暴自弃是对你最好的答谢

　　　　　　二

　　一条棕色的河从体内向体外穿过
　　不管梦是否有背景
　　夜晚天空的表情都非常坦率
　　我的痛苦对你的痛苦也就无所顾忌
　　仿佛每年五月你乘风归来
　　同一只宿命的鸟哑然失笑
　　我静静地等待
　　那山顶任性的风击败我魔鬼般的梦想
很多房屋和猎人
　　自生自灭
　　你渴望成长之后吗

　　　　　　三

　　我因一个动词和副词而一错再错
　　在被你的工具涂遍了的我面前
　　彼此也许遗憾许多
　　但我的枕头和家具都正常地活着
　　他们没有性别
　　我恍若隔世，我是女人吗

　　在舞厅，几个女人谈论别的女人
　　我只有做女人的欲望，开始了模仿
　　首先修指甲、眨眼睛
　　我说你是男人或不是男人
　　我在哪里乔装打扮，
　　包括我走向生育分裂出另一幅肖像
　　这是我自己的事

　　　　　　四

　　我是肉体凡胎，我就入乡随俗
　　我的匆匆而行粉饰节日的爱情语言
　　男人们来来去去、爬上爬下
　　我怎么潮涨潮落

　　黑夜一点一滴浸入我的胸膛
　　我的身体塌方般地轻浮
　　我该学会逃离影子的跟踪
　　我知道挂满衣服的墙仍眺望我
　　呵那些善良的阳光天使般地笑
　　那些道路和艺术都是圆的
　　一切归于习惯
　　让我去无风的丛林
　　都说孤独是孤独者的艺术
　　总之无论何时你不能说我没有父亲

（1988年，3写于眉山。1994年改于纽约）